


Lessons Learned

by toomanysecrets



Category: Archer (Cartoon)
Genre: Bechdel Test Pass, Childhood, Coming of Age, Families of Choice, Future Fic, Gen, Mentors, Misses Clause Challenge, Slice of Life, Teenagers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-17
Updated: 2016-12-17
Packaged: 2018-09-09 06:43:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8879950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toomanysecrets/pseuds/toomanysecrets
Summary: AJ's family is a little unconventional, but it works pretty well for her.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Meatball42](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Meatball42/gifts).



> Thanks to [htbthomas](http://archiveofourown.org/users/htbthomas) for the beta.

Grandmother is _sharp_. Mama and Daddy and Pam and Cyril and Ray and Grandpa Ron pick AJ up and hold her and read to her and play with her, and their laps are warm and comfy and she likes to fall asleep there. Grandmother carries her a lot, or pushes her in her stroller, but she’s usually talking to someone else or looking at something else. Grandmother is all knees and elbows and loud voices.

AJ spends a lot of time with Grandmother and Grandpa Ron because Mama and Daddy and their friends are away a lot doing important things. There’s a cupboard in the corner of Grandmother’s office where she keeps her office toys, and a mat where she can take a nap. She knows that Grandmother does important things too, so she needs to play quietly and go out into the rest of the office if she needs to run around. And when she’s not playing with her toys they need to be in the cupboard and the door needs to be closed.

Grandmother wants AJ to stop sucking her thumb, and she tries, but she always forgets.

Lots of people come in and out of Grandmother’s office when AJ's in her corner playing with her toys. The grownups she knows will visit with AJ too and sometimes she’ll sit on one of their laps while they talk with Grandmother. Sometimes there’s yelling. Sometimes the person holding her gets less and less comfortable until she cries and struggles to get away. When that happens Grandmother will call for someone to take her out of the room until she calms down.

No one likes playing with AJ _after_ they’ve talked to Grandmother.

Mama and Daddy yell back at Grandmother more than anyone else.

Grandpa Ron likes to sit on the sofa in Grandmother’s office and play with AJ or read a book or a magazine. No one else comes in unless they need to talk to Grandmother or they want to talk to AJ. If only AJ and Grandpa Ron are in the room Grandmother doesn’t yell as much, most of the time.

A lot of people visit Grandmother that AJ doesn’t know. None of them talk to her. Most of them are men and they wear dark clothes and speak quietly and no one ever laughs or smiles. Sometimes she’s not allowed in the room when Grandmother has visitors and she has to take her nap in Cyril’s office. Usually she is allowed to stay, but no one pays any attention to her. Sometimes Grandmother yells and sometimes she speaks quietly but stares hard at the visitors until they say something that makes her smile, but not a real smile, and then they leave.

AJ sits in her corner, playing with her toys and trying not to suck her thumb, and is very careful to always make sure that her toys are put away when she’s done with them.

* * *

AJ’s favorite days are the ones when Mama comes home. Mama goes away a lot, and so does Daddy, and so do most of the grownups she knows. Mama says that that just means they get to celebrate a lot.

Grandmother told her that Mama would be back this afternoon, so AJ’s been sitting next to the elevator playing with her blocks ever since lunch. The first time the elevator dings, it’s Ray. He helps her stack all of the blocks in a big tower and lifts her up so she can put the last one on top. Then when she knocks it down, he pretends to be scared and runs back to his desk while AJ giggles and chases after him. The next time the elevator dings it’s Grandmother and Pam. Grandmother looks at all the blocks on the floor and frowns. “This isn’t a nursery school, Abbiejean. Someone’s going to break an ankle!”

Pam glares at Grandmother. “Oh, for god’s sake, Malory, she’s just waitin' for Lana.” Pam helps AJ move all the blocks out of the way against the wall. “Maybe you could build a castle for your dolls, one that’s not right in front of the elevator.”

AJ is just arranging her dolls and stuffed animals in their new castle when the elevator dings again. This time, when the door opens, it’s Mama. She’s wearing a big poofy coat and pulling a suitcase. AJ shrieks and jumps up but knows that she’s not supposed to get in the elevator with Mama. One time when she did that the doors shut and they had to go all the way back down to the ground before they could get out.

Just like always Mama picks AJ up immediately and hugs her tight. Mama is warm and solid. Just like always when she gets back home, she smells a little bit the same — Daddy says that she smells like airplanes, but AJ’s been on a lot of airplanes and she’s never noticed that they smell — and a little bit unfamiliar, but mostly she smells like Mama. “I missed you so much, baby girl!”

AJ giggles. “I’m not a baby, Mama.”

“That’s right, you’re not. You’re my big girl. You’re lucky I’m really strong so I can still carry you.” AJ knows that her Mama is strong and smart and beautiful and can do anything.

Mama sits down on the sofa by the elevator and settles AJ in her lap. AJ won’t let go of Mama’s neck yet. “What did you do while I was gone?”

AJ tries to remember. “Cyril took me to play in the park yesterday. I can almost climb up the pole by myself!” She could have done it, but she wanted Mama to be there to see.

“Wow! We’ll have to go practice some more. Did you tell Cyril thank you for taking you?”

AJ bites her lower lip. “Maybe? I don’t remember.” She’s pretty sure she didn’t but doesn’t want Mama to know that.

“Okay, we can go tell him later. What else did you do while I was gone?”

“We did finger painting at school! I brought my painting home to show you, it’s red and green and blue.”

“Did you get really messy? Was it fun?”

“Yeah! It was all slippery. And we wore smocks so our clothes didn’t get dirty, so Grandmother didn’t get mad.”

AJ can feel Mama stiffen.

“And did you play with Ethan this week?”

“Uh-huh. And he pushed me and then I did what we practiced!”

“Really? What happened?”

“We both wanted to use the same swing on the playground and he pushed me and I wanted to hit him, but I didn’t.”

“What did you do instead?”

“I stood up tall and I yelled really loud, DON’T PUSH ME, I DON’T LIKE THAT!!! And then I looked at him really mean until he went away. And then I got to use the swing.”

Mama laughs. “Good job, big girl.”

“And lots of kids looked at me because I was REALLY LOUD. But then later, Ethan pushed Sam, and Sam yelled at him that he didn’t like it either.”

“Wow, it’s really good that you knew what to do then.”

“Yeah, and I don’t think Ethan will push me again, and then I won’t want to hit him, and I won’t get in trouble if I don’t hit him.”

“It sounds like you had a lot of fun while I was gone.”

“Yeah, but I wish you had been here.”

“Me too, sweetie.” Mama hugs her tighter and kisses her forehead.

“What did you do while you were gone?”

“Well, I had to take three different airplanes to go far, far away, and it was really cold there. And then I had to find a friend. He got lost and couldn’t get home, so I helped him.”

“I wish I could have come with you.”

“It was cold and boring. And being on an airplane for a really long time is no fun.”

“But I like flying on planes!”

“You like flying on planes for the first half hour. If you go over the ocean for a long time, it’s not very interesting to look out the window, and you can’t get out of a plane and run around.”

AJ climbs out of Mama’s lap and pulls her over to the castle that she made with her blocks. Mama sits down on the floor with her and picks up AJ’s stuffed bunny. AJ builds a table in the middle of the castle for her dolls and animals to sit around so they can have pretend lunch.

“Oh, we had a field trip at school! Grandpa Ron came with us.” AJ arranges her dolls around their block table.

“Oh right, you went apple picking, that was this week. I’m sorry I couldn’t come with you. Did you have a good time?”

“Yeah. Grandpa Ron lifted me up so I could reach the apples that were up high.” AJ lifts one of her dolls up as high as she can.

“Did the apples taste good?”

“Yeah. I saved you some apples since you couldn’t come with me!”

“Ooh. Maybe we can make applesauce tonight. Or an apple pie.”

“Yum! I think we should make a pie!” AJ bounces where she’s sitting on the floor, right next to Mama. Then her voice gets quieter and she looks nervously towards Grandmother’s office door. “But if we have pie, will we get fat?”

Mama freezes in the middle of making Hops the bunny pretend to eat lunch.

“Who told you that?”

“Grandmother says that eating dessert will make you fat.”

Mama’s voice gets very quiet. “Grandmother worries too much about some things. If you want to have pie or ice cream or cookies sometimes, that’s fine. It’s just important to eat food that’s good for your body most of the time. I think we should make a pie tonight because we have special apples that you picked, and we’re celebrating because we’re together again. Does that sound good?”

AJ smiles and nods. “And we won’t tell Grandmother?”

Mama pulls Hops out of the block castle and stands up. “Actually, I’m going to go tell her right now.” Mama walks across the lobby really fast. She sounds angry, but AJ doesn’t want to be away from her yet when she just got home. So AJ runs after Mama into Grandmother’s office.

She gets to the door just in time to see Grandmother look up from her desk as Mama storms in. Mama leans over the desk so that she is right in Grandmother’s face. “My four-year-old daughter is worried about getting fat, Malory. We have a problem.”

Grandmother leans back to get away from Mama. “I don’t see why. Would you rather she ended up looking like Pam?”

“That is not something that is appropriate for her right now. She is healthy and strong and physically precocious and, oh, by the way, a completely reasonable height and weight. If that changes then maybe we have an issue. Until then I don’t want to hear it and I don’t want AJ to hear it. And then if you have a problem with my kid’s weight, you can either keep your mouth shut or you can come to me. If you give her a complex, I will quit and take her away and you will never see her again, do you understand me?”

AJ sneaks her thumb into her mouth.

“Lana, don’t be ridiculous, you’re overreacting. I’m just looking out for my granddaughter.”

“DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME???”

Grandmother leans forward over her desk so that Mama has to get out of her way. “Fine.” 

“I’m not kidding. If you fuck up AJ the way you fucked up Archer we will be GONE, and you will be out your only grandchild and your best employee. So next time think real hard before you tell my daughter what she can and can’t eat. We’re having homemade apple pie tonight and we’re both going to enjoy it. Is that clear?”

“Crystal.”

Mama whirls around but stops short when she sees AJ in the doorway. Then she turns back to face Grandmother. “Oh, and this is ridiculous. I need to cut down my work travel, or AJ needs to travel with me more. And if you can’t deal with that there are plenty of places I can take my skills and experience.”

This time when she whirls around she smiles at AJ and reaches for her hand. “Let’s go, big girl, we have a pie to make.” 

* * *

AJ is on a secret mission. Good agents have to be brave, and so today she is going to do something a little bit scary. Instead of taking her toys to the lobby or Mama’s desk or someone’s office or the sofa next to Cheryl’s desk, like she usually does every morning, she takes her favorite truck and her favorite Barbie and a coloring book and her crayons down the hall and into Krieger’s lab.

Krieger doesn’t notice when she comes in but does look up when she drops all of her things in a corner and sits down and starts coloring. He doesn’t say anything, just looks a little bit surprised and turns back to whatever he’s working on, up on a high table that AJ can’t see over.

Most of Mama and Daddy’s friends talk to AJ all the time, but Krieger almost never says anything to her. He smells funny, and sometimes there are weird stains on his weird coat. She can tell that sometimes he even makes the grownups uncomfortable. And his lab is full of beeping machines and tanks of strange liquids. Everything in the lab is way over her head, like the table where Krieger is working, and it smells really strange in there too. She is ABSOLUTELY NOT ALLOWED in the lab without a grownup, and most of the time the door is closed and locked. She’s partly glad that the door was open today, but if it had been closed, she could have put off being brave for a few more days.

And then there’s Krieger’s friend Mitsuko, who is, like Mama said, “kind of real, and kind of not real.” AJ can never tell when she’s going to act like a real person. And even though AJ knows Mitsuko’s not really there, she feels bad when she accidentally puts her arm through Mitsuko’s chest or something. Mitsuko makes a face like she really doesn’t like that. Mama says that Krieger is a little bit shy and so it’s easier for him to be friends with someone who isn’t really real than it is to be friends with a real person. AJ thinks that maybe, if she can spend a day with Krieger in his lab even though he scares her a little bit, her next mission will be to try to be Krieger’s real-person friend.

After she’s colored in 2 pages in her coloring book, Krieger still hasn’t said anything but doesn’t seem angry that she’s there. AJ gets out Secret Agent Spy Barbie, who fights bad guys and figures out important things for good guys in a beautiful long blue dress. Secret Agent Spy Barbie hides out behind some of Krieger’s machines until the guards aren’t watching and then sneaks by them and gets into the bad guys’ super secret hideout by finding a secret passageway. Then some more guards find her and she has to shoot them! And then she takes lots of pictures of the hideout and grabs their computer and escapes out the window and climbs down the side of the building — another one of Krieger’s machines — to where her truck is waiting so she can get away! Secret Agent Spy Barbie drives away really fast and her mission is successful!

Daddy says that speeding away isn’t usually a good idea because it makes people pay attention to you. And that’s kind of weird because Daddy always likes it when people pay attention to him. But AJ’s just pretending and it’s more fun to go fast, so she pushes her truck across the room as fast as she can.

Krieger looks up when Secret Agent Spy Barbie crashes into his knees. He blinks at AJ like he’d forgotten she was there. She gasps, but he doesn’t seem angry. He just bends down and picks up her doll and hands it to her. “Sorry, Krieger,” she tells him. “Secret Agent Spy Barbie needed to get away from the bad guys, but she doesn’t fit in my truck. I had to throw her and pretend.”

He tilts his head to one side and stares at her. “Why don’t you make her smaller?”

The words sound like a joke, but Krieger’s not smiling or laughing, so she doesn’t smile or laugh either. “Um, I can’t. That’s just the way she is.”

Krieger reaches for the doll. “Of course you can. Let me see.”

AJ is pretty sure that Secret Agent Spy Barbie is just the way Barbies are, but it would be nice if she could fit in her truck, so she hands her over. Krieger bends one of her arms back and forth, looking carefully at her shoulder.

Then he rips her arm off.

AJ always tries hard not to cry, like a baby, but Krieger just BROKE SECRET AGENT SPY BARBIE. She can feel her eyes filling with tears and her chin trembling. She’s about to start screaming when Krieger notices the look on her face. His eyes shoot back and forth between her and the open door of the lab as he quickly snaps Barbie’s arm back in place. “Don’t worry, she’s okay, see?” He hands AJ her doll. “If you want to make a copy, you need to understand how she works. I won’t break her forever, I promise.” AJ hugs Secret Agent Spy Barbie and wipes her eyes, embarrassed. Krieger lets out a loud breath and stops looking at the door.

Krieger pulls another stool up next to his and helps AJ climb up and kneel on top of it so that she can see over his tall table. Then he puts her truck on the table and she puts Secret Agent Spy Barbie next to it. “First we have to figure out how much smaller she needs to be to fit through the door of your truck.” He bends Secret Agent Spy Barbie’s legs so it looks like she’s sitting down, and then holds her next to the door of the truck. He gets out a ruler and measures both and then writes down the measurements on a pad of paper. 

“I have a machine that will print plastic pieces, and we can download the patterns for the pieces of a Barbie off the internet. But we have to make them all smaller than normal by the same amount so that all the pieces fit together and the new version can fit in the truck. Why don’t you take her apart so we can make sure we make all the pieces?”

AJ doesn’t move and just stares at him. “It’s okay, they’ll go back together. Really.” AJ reaches for Secret Agent Spy Barbie. It did look kind of fun to pull her arm off. AJ takes off her doll’s beautiful long blue dress and then tries to rip her into all of her pieces. It’s harder than Krieger made it look. By the time she’s done it, Krieger has a picture of Barbie’s leg up on his laptop. 

“This model is the same size as the one you have now. So I’m going to make it smaller…” He clicks around on the screen and Barbie’s leg shrinks. “Now, what color do you want the copy to be?” He helps her down from the stool and walks her over to a cabinet against the wall. It’s full of glass jars full of plastic pellets in different colors. “You could make her the same color as she is now, or you could make her bright pink or some other color if you wanted.”

AJ thinks for a little while. “The same color as she is now.” Krieger is really interested in making her doll smaller, and that makes him easier to talk to and less scary.

“Actually, wait.” Krieger pulls a key out of his pocket and unlocks a drawer at the bottom of the cabinet. There are more jars of plastic pellets in this drawer, but these are all different skin colors, and they’re all labeled. He picks out two jars, carefully reading the labels. “If we mix Lana" — he holds up one jar, that’s the same color as Mama’s skin — “and Archer” — the second jar is the same color as Daddy — "we could make Barbie Junior about the same color as you.”

AJ gasps and bounces up and down on her toes. The dolls in the store never look like her.

Krieger hands her the jar full of the darker pellets and they carry them over to his workbench. He pours some of Daddy’s color and some of Mama’s color into another jar. “Mix those together really well.” It feels neat to dig her hands into the jar full of pellets.

When she’s done mixing Krieger pops a memory stick out of his laptop and has her carry the AJ-colored pellets to one of his machines along the wall. He dumps the pellets into a chute on the side and puts the memory stick in its slot. He lets her select the model of Barbie’s leg from the display on the printer and then press the big start button. The machine beeps and starts humming.

When Mama comes looking for her at lunchtime, surprised to find her in the lab, AJ is sitting on a stool next to the printer watching Barbie Junior’s leg get built. When Mama sees Secret Agent Spy Barbie in 6 pieces and missing her clothing on Krieger’s work table, she is really angry.

“Krieger… WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY DAUGHTER’S DOLL?”

AJ and Krieger both jump. “Mama, he didn’t do anything! I did it.”

“Relax, Lana. We’re making a better one.”

Mama raises her eyebrows. “Excuse me?”

“She didn’t fit in my truck, so we’re making a smaller one that will.”

Mama stares at Krieger. “And it didn’t occur to you to make a bigger truck?”

He freezes and then shrugs after a few seconds. “Oh... I guess we could have done that…”

“Mama, look!” AJ points at the printer squirting AJ-colored goo into the shape of Barbie’s left leg. Mama comes over, but she looks doubtful. 

Then she bends down to look at what AJ’s showing her. “Okay… that actually is pretty cool.”

Barbie Junior gets a few upgrades over the next few weeks. Mama helps AJ find her some hair and they glue it on with really strong glue. Pam makes her a smaller beautiful long blue dress. AJ takes her everywhere she goes and tells everyone she meets about how she made her new doll that looks just like her. But there’s one more thing she needs, and AJ asks Pam for more help.

Barbie Junior spends the next six months riding around in her truck wearing a beautiful long blue dress under a tiny white lab coat.

* * *

AJ is really hoping that since her mom is somewhere far away on a mission, Dad and Grandmother won't remember that after school she is supposed to sit at her desk in the corner of Grandmother's office and finish her homework. And maybe they wouldn't have, but everyone else in the office is scared of making her mom angry. So when Pam finds her hiding under the table in the break room practicing sneaking, she walks AJ into Grandmother's office. Grandmother's talking to Dad and Cyril, but she looks over when AJ scowls and sits down at her desk.

"What is that incompetent school teaching you today?"

AJ is prepared. She keeps her face relaxed and her eyes on Grandmother’s. She speaks clearly and calmly and doesn't add anything extra to what she has to say. "Just some stupid word problems about fractions. They're easy."

For a few seconds AJ thinks she's gotten away with it, and then Grandmother's eyes narrow. "What else?"

AJ sighs to herself. Grandmother has been teaching her how to tell when someone is lying to her. She feels like she should be able to use that information to lie without getting caught, but it hasn't worked yet. And this wasn't even really a lie. "I'm supposed to read a book for 20 minutes. But I don't really HAVE to." Grandmother just stares at her from behind her desk. AJ rolls her eyes and sighs again, out loud this time. "Anyone who reads ten books by the end of the school year will get to go to a special party. But it will probably be stupid."

No one says anything for a few seconds. Then Cyril opens his mouth like he’s going to say something, but Dad cuts him off.

"Dude, AJ, just lie. It's not like your teacher can know if you didn't really read the books you said you did."

AJ glares at her dad because she’s not an idiot and he knows that. Cyril glares at her dad because he doesn’t like it when people say things to her that her mom wouldn’t like. “Gee, I never thought of that! Ms. Cameron is going to interview us about the books we read.”

“Books are made into movies all the time, right? Just watch ten movies, and then you should be able to get through it.”

Cyril is glaring even harder at her dad now.

“Can’t you find this kind of thing on the internet? Or if you actually want to go to this ridiculous juvenile party” — just last week, she overheard Mom telling Grandmother not to give AJ a hard time about wanting to have friends and spend time with them — “I can just call your teacher and threaten to have her fired.”

“Malory, that won’t be necessary. Also, of course it’s a juvenile party, it’s for 8-year-olds.” Cyril glares at Grandmother too. “AJ… have you considered… just reading 10 books?”

Now AJ glares at Cyril and her dad and her grandmother both stare at him like like they just ate something gross by accident.

Two days later AJ is sitting in Cheryl’s rolly chair kicking the wall so she spins around really fast. All the grownups are either out or working, and her homework is done and she is sooooo bored. When she stops spinning to let her head clear a little bit she notices that Cyril is standing in the door of his office watching her. He walks over and sits on the edge of Cheryl’s desk.

“Hey AJ, why don’t you like to read?”

She shrugs. Something about Cyril makes her want to not give him what he wants, ever. But he just sits there waiting, so eventually she answers him. “It’s boring.”

He smiles. “That means you’re reading the wrong books. What don’t you like about the books you’ve read before?”

No one’s ever asked her that and the question surprises her enough that she actually stops to think about it.

“They’re all about normal, boring things. Going to school and making friends and younger brothers being annoying and going to ballet class. Why would I want to read about that kind of stuff?”

“There are lots of books that are more exciting. I brought you one. I bet it would be more interesting than making yourself sick and breaking Cheryl’s chair.”

AJ is a tiny bit interested but doesn’t say anything.

“The couch in my office is really comfortable and you could hang out there and try it. It’s partly about going to school and making friends, but there’s also magic and fighting and an evil bad guy.”

AJ shifts in Cheryl’s chair but doesn’t look at Cyril. “Magic’s not real.”

“Sure. But in books, you can pretend it is. Wouldn’t it be kind of neat to think about what would happen if magic were real?”

She kicks her legs against the wall again. She really doesn’t have anything better to do. “Fine, I’ll try it, but if I don’t like it, then I’m not going to finish it.”

20 minutes later AJ is curled up on the sofa in Cyril’s office and Harry and his mean stupid family are trapped on a tiny island in a thunderstorm when a giant shows up with a birthday cake.

AJ is so excited when she gets to the end of the book that she forgets to pretend she isn’t. “Cyril, I finished it! And they killed Professor Quirrell! And Ron didn’t die!”

Cyril looks up from the papers on his desk. “Wow! What was your favorite part?”

She thinks for a few seconds. “When they fought the troll in the bathroom and Harry stuck his wand up its nose. That’s so gross!”

“It’s a good thing Harry and Ron saved Hermione from the troll though, since Harry could never have gotten to Professor Quirrell without her to solve the potions puzzle.”

“And she got WAY less annoying after the troll.”

“Yeah, just because someone is kind of annoying doesn’t mean they should be left to get eaten by a troll. That’s pretty harsh.”

AJ giggles when she hears her dad’s voice in her head, saying “That’s why we keep saving your ass, Cyril.” But she doesn’t say it out loud because it actually was nice of Cyril to give her a book, and one she actually liked reading. She’s been way less bored hanging around the office after school this week. And she knows that no matter what her dad says or how annoying he thinks Cyril is, he will always save Cyril’s butt when he needs it.

Cyril reaches into the one of the drawers in his desk. “I found another book I thought you might like.” Does he always have a kids’ book in his desk? She’ll have to sneak in sometime when he’s not here and check.

20 minutes later, AJ is curled up on the couch in Cyril’s office and Daja is floating in the ocean hanging onto a piece of her family’s destroyed ship thinking she’s going to DIE…

When AJ gets to the office the day after the Readers’ Revels party, she runs straight from the elevator to Cyril’s office. “Julie and Ryan and Annie were all there, and we had stone soup and madeleines and giant peaches, and we played quidditch and I scored 3 goals…”

* * *

The day AJ gets suspended for breaking George Herbert Waddington IV’s wrist, both her mom and her dad are out of town so Grandmother sends Pam to pick her up at school. AJ’s been stuck waiting outside the principal’s office for half an hour by the time she gets there. Mrs. Norwood, Principle Vanderbilt’s secretary, won’t even let her go to her locker for a book. 

When Pam finally shows up, she immediately puts herself between AJ and the secretary but faces AJ. “Seriously, you sent some kid to the hospital?” Pam makes her voice sound angry and disbelieving, but then she gives AJ a big smile and a double thumbs up that Mrs. Norwood can’t see.

AJ tries to sound like she doesn’t really care. “Yup.” But then she mouths “Deserved it.”

Pam gives her a tiny nod and turns to Mrs. Norwood. “I’m here to pick up AJ.”

Mrs. Norwood winces at Pam’s accent, and then looks her up and down. Her long blond hair and her pearls are acceptable, but her clothes aren’t stylish enough. And women who set foot on the campus of Pinecrest Country Day School are definitely not supposed to take up that much space. Mrs. Norwood stares at Pam like her mere presence offends her but it wouldn’t be polite to mention it. Pam just waits for her to be done. “Principal Vanderbilt would like to speak with you. You too, Abby.”

AJ rolls her eyes but doesn’t say anything as she follows Pam and Mrs. Norwood into Principal Vanderbilt’s office. The walls of the office are covered with huge photos of Pinecrest students playing lacrosse, or making pottery in the art room, or wearing huge safety goggles staring at test tubes and beakers.

She counts three black kids total in all of the photos. Two of them are the same black kid.

One end of the principal’s office has a comfortable-looking sofa and armchair. At the other end, Principal Vanderbilt is sitting behind a giant desk made of dark wood. Mrs. Norwood leads them to the hard wooden chairs in front of it. Principal Vanderbilt looks at her over the top of his glasses. “Georgie Waddington had to be taken to the hospital in an ambulance.”

AJ knows this, she just watched it happen from Mrs. Norwood’s window, along with about a hundred lower schoolers playing on the playground and probably the rest of the whole freaking school watching from their classrooms.

Pam turns to AJ. “So what happened?” Principal Vanderbilt winces at her accent too. AJ even catches herself doing it — her voice does seem out of place here — and then immediately scolds herself to not be an asshole, jerkface.

“Abby attacked and seriously injured him.”

Pam just stares at him. “Did you think to ask her why?” She turns back to AJ.

AJ starts to speak but Principal Vanderbilt cuts her off. “Violence is not tolerated at Pinecrest. There will be serious repercussions that we will need to discuss with Abby’s parents. Until we can come to an agreement, Abby will not be welcome at school.” _Oh, darn._

Pam sighs. “So AJ, what gives?”

“He kept trying to get pencils to stick in my hair.” Pam’s eyebrows go up and Principal Vanderbilt just looks confused. “He sits behind me every day in math class, and he kept touching my head and trying to get a pencil to stay in my hair when he let go.” She pats her short-for-a-girl but not too short hair, that she wears natural mostly because it bothers Grandmother. “Sometimes it works.”

Now Principal Vanderbilt’s eyebrows are up too, and she might be imagining it but he looks even more pasty-white than he normally does.

“And did you ask him to stop?” 

“Yeah, like 47 times. And I barely hurt him. I just wanted him to stop touching me.”

Pam turns back to Principal Vanderbilt. “So. One of your students harassed another student repeatedly. The harassment was racially motivated. No faculty or staff noticed or stopped the harassment. The harassed student made her wishes clear and when they were not respected she stopped the harassment herself.”

Cyril told her once that Pam’s job used to be “resolving disputes between coworkers.” AJ’s always found that hard to believe, before now.

Principal Vanderbilt clears his throat. “As I said, we’ll have to discuss this with Abby’s parents and with Georgie’s parents.” He shuffles some papers around on his desk. “I think you’d better take Abby home now.”

AJ waits for Pam to stop staring at Principal Vanderbilt and gets up when she does.

“I’m sure that Ms. Kane and Mr. Archer and also AJ’s grandmother Ms. Archer would love to discuss this with you further.” Pam smiles brightly at him and leads the way out of the office.

AJ knows that Principal Vanderbilt is actually angry that she hurt another student. Her mom would probably say that attacking another student was inappropriate, but secretly be proud of her as long as she tried to fix the problem without getting physical first.

Pam takes her out for ice cream.

AJ loves ice cream but she would never admit it in front of most of her classmates these days. She’s tall for her age and heavily muscled (she’s been studying tae kwon do since she was four) and she knows that she will never, ever look like the tiny girls that make up the rest of her grade. Most of the time she’s okay with that, but since the worst thing a girl in her class can be called is “fat,” it doesn’t seem like a good idea to be seen enjoying dessert.

It’s extra not-a-good-idea when the person you’re eating ice cream with is actually fat and kind of crude.

But Pam is awesome, and has always, always had her back, and she had to hurt someone today, and cookies and cream with hot fudge is delicious, so screw it.

“What an asshole!” Pam slides into the booth in the ice cream shop, digging into her rocky road with caramel, whipped cream, and peanut butter cups. AJ giggles. Yeah, Georgie is an asshole. The whole fifth grade knows it. It’s kind of amazing to be able to laugh about it.

“How long was he doin’ it?”

AJ shrugs, still laughing. “A few days? Doesn’t matter now, he won’t anymore.”

“Damn straight.” Pam lifts her ice cream dish up to bump it into AJ’s, like they’re making a toast.

“You should’ve heard the sounds he made. What a baby! I just hurt him enough to get him to knock it off. But from all the blubbering you’d think he was gonna die.” 

“He’ll probably stay out of your way now.”

“That was kind of the idea.”

They sit for a few minutes, enjoying their ice cream and discussing tactics for incapacitating an attacker approaching from behind. Suddenly there’s a commotion from across the room as a group of boys gets up out of their booth, laughing and joking around. They must be from a different school, Pinecrest isn’t out for the day yet. Instead of heading straight for the door, they look at each other and casually walk over towards AJ and Pam’s table.

Logically AJ knows that nothing too bad is going to happen in the middle of The Scoop Shop, but her stomach clenches and she sits up straighter. Pam looks totally relaxed and she’s still talking but her eyes are tracking the group. She’s put down her ice cream and spoon so her hands are free. There are four of them, they’re probably in high school but early high school, and at least three of them move like athletes.

All that happens is that they saunter past AJ and Pam’s table laughing and making snorting, oinking sounds, and one of them throws his balled up napkin so it hits Pam in the face. AJ can feel her heartbeat slowing down and her face heating up.

Pam grabs the kid’s arm. He tries to pull his arm back, but he can’t move. Pam looks totally relaxed still. “You dropped this!” She coughs a loud, harsh cough into his napkin and then slams it, gross side down, into his half-full dish of ice cream. Bright-green mint chocolate chip oozes over the edge of the dish and all over his hand. “Y’all have a nice day now!” Pam smiles and lets go of his arm.

There’s half a second of total silence. Then his face twists up in disgust and outrage and he drops his ice cream on the floor. “Fat bitch!” he yells as he stomps off towards the door. One of his buddies scowls at Pam as they follow him but the other two are laughing. AJ can feel herself relaxing and she laughs too. Pam waits until they’re all out of the shop and the door has closed before she cracks up.

Pam’s climbing out of their booth to pick up the ice cream on the floor when an employee with a mop and two coupons for free sundaes waves her away. She and AJ both go back to their ice cream.

AJ’s quiet for a few minutes, long enough that Pam eventually notices. “You okay over there?”

She pushes the last of her ice cream, all melty, around with her spoon. “How do you not let it bother you, when people make fun of you?”

Pam pauses with her spoon halfway to her mouth, and puts it back down. “Oh.”

She sighs. “It used to bother me. Sometimes it still does.”

That surprises AJ a little bit.

“But I’m awesome and my life is amazing. I can milk a cow, start a fire, cook Thanksgiving dinner for 20, deliver a baby.” AJ smiles — she’s heard that story. “I’ve traveled all over the world. I’ve been to freakin’ _outer space_. I can defend myself or someone else better than almost anyone. I’ve had more mind-blowing sex in the past month than those four punks are going to have in their entire lives, combined.” It’s not time yet, but in a few years, AJ’s planning on asking Pam for advice on how to be good in bed, and she knows that even if Pam won’t answer her yet she won’t yell at her for asking. “My friends are assholes a lot of the time, but I know that they would literally kill for me.”

Pam scrapes the last of her ice cream out of her dish and shoves it in her mouth. “So yeah. If anyone wants to judge me when they don’t know anything about me, that is their problem, not mine.”

* * *

AJ’s mom is away on a mission for a few days. Usually when this happens her dad or one of the other adults will come stay in their apartment with her. This time she’s staying at her dad’s. It’s a nice change of pace and she thinks it’s interesting to see what his life at home is really like. Even if he is a dick sometimes.

She knows that lots of kids in her class spend some time living with their moms and some time living with their dads. And then there’s Emily, who spends some time living with one of her dads and some time living with the other. AJ has never bothered to correct any of her classmates, who assume that at some point in the past her mom and her dad got married, lived in the same house, had her, and then divorced. Sometimes her mom and dad act like a couple and sometimes they don’t. She knows that they tried being together like together together sometime when she was really little but that didn’t work out, so now sometimes they’re on and sometimes they’re off and they are never going to try living together again.

On Saturday morning, she runs into Pam on the way to the shower. Her dad and Pam are good friends and they have sex occasionally, but they are definitely not together. Although when AJ thinks about it, isn’t “good friends who have sex occasionally” basically the definition of most couples? But both Dad and Pam would be horrified if anyone thought they were a couple.

She plays video games with Pam for a while. AJ will probably never be a better shot than Pam in real life, but in a first person shooter she can actually win. When Pam has to go she messes around on the internet for a while, until her dad finally wakes up. Then she needs to get him out the door and to someplace where they can buy food as soon as possible, because her dad is really, really cranky in the morning and can’t actually feed himself. She can make a pretty good omelet and is perfectly happy with Cheerios for breakfast, but first there would have to be food in the apartment.

AJ’s been hearing stories about Woodhouse her whole life, whenever her dad needs a grownup to take care of him and there’s no Woodhouse. AJ remembers the period where Dad tried to find another manservant (seriously, who has a manservant??) when she was really little. There were a lot of them, but they all quit after a few weeks. Now her dad eats out a lot, hires cleaners and personal shoppers, and can always buy more clothes if he forgets to send the laundry out.

AJ does her own laundry now and at least knows how to clean most of the apartment if it needs it, even if she doesn’t do it without being asked. She can sew on a button and hem a pair of pants. She can use a hammer, a screwdriver, a power drill, and Krieger’s 3D printer. Her mom tried teaching her to cook, but she’s not great at it and doesn’t really enjoy it. So sometimes Ray or Cyril will come over and they’ll make something good for dinner. AJ doesn’t particularly like the cooking part but it’s fun to hang out with her adults while they do grownup things together.

She knows that most of the kids at Pinecrest aren’t getting aggressive life skills training from their parents. Sometimes she resents the time it takes and she knows that some of the kids never have to make dinner for their families because their families have a Woodhouse. But when AJ spends time at her dad’s, she understands why her mom does it.

To be fair, her dad _has_ taught her a lot of useful things, like how to load and fire a handgun, search a room without leaving any traces, or do 100 pushups without a break. Most Pinecrest students can’t do those things either. AJ keeps pretty quiet about them at school. Maybe she and her dad can go to the range and get in some practice today.

Of course AJ and her dad end up outside of a super swanky brunch place with actual tablecloths where no one inside is under 30 or wearing jeans. Or isn’t white. They’re passing by the pharmacy next door when her dad stops short and asks her, “I can get toothpaste here, right? I’m out of toothpaste.” He sounds confused, like the words he is saying don’t make sense to him.

AJ rolls her eyes and starts to turn towards the door. “Yes, Dad, you can buy toothpaste in there.”

He stops her. “You go get us a table, I’ll be right there.”

As her dad peels off on his quest for basic toiletries, AJ fights her way through the huge crowd of people waiting for a table to the podium at the front of the swanky brunch place. The harried-looking woman behind it is wearing all black and a nametag that says “Sara.” She’s staring down at the map of tables, all of which are full. She glances up to look around the room and her eyes land briefly on AJ before she looks back down and scribbles on the map.

AJ waits.

The second time Sara looks up, she stares at AJ and raises her eyebrows.

“I’d like a table for 2, please.”

Sara looks vaguely suspicious.

AJ mentally rolls her eyes and makes herself smile. “I’m with my dad. He’ll be here in a minute, he just had to stop next door.”

“Name?”

AJ pauses for half a second. “Kane-Archer.” Sure, “Archer” would be simpler, but it’s not her name, and her dad made her do this part. 

“It’ll be about a half an hour wait, do you still want it?”

“Yup.” AJ watches carefully to make sure that her name makes it on the list, and then heads back outside to wait for her dad.

He’s just coming out of the pharmacy. She stops him on his way into the restaurant. “There’s a wait, it’ll be about half an hour.”

He looks at her funny and recoils a little bit. “What? Seriously?” AJ raises her eyebrows, stares at him, and gestures at all the people waiting for a table. “Yeah, we’re not doing that. Time for an important life lesson from your dad. Watch this.”

He walks into the restaurant. AJ waits a few seconds so it won’t look like she’s with him and then follows. The crowd around the podium magically parts and Sara looks up and smiles immediately.

“How can I help you, sir?”

“I need a table for 2 as soon as possible.”

“I’m afraid there’s a wait, sir.”

Her dad leans in close to her and smiles and the hostess smiles back and flips her long blond ponytail over her shoulder. “Isn’t there something you can do for me? Come on.”

“Well…” She makes a show of looking down at her map. “I think we can work something out.” She smirks at AJ’s dad. Then she motions for him to follow her and walks purposefully off into the restaurant. 

AJ’s dad gestures for her to stay where she is, and she watches Sara lead him to a table for two by the front window that has just been cleared. Somehow none of the other people waiting for a table have noticed this happening, or at least they haven’t said anything. While AJ’s watching, her dad visibly starts, then pulls his phone out and looks at the display. AJ’s too far away to hear what he says to Sara, but then he smiles at her and walks back towards the door. Again she waits for a few seconds before following him.

“Dude, what was that? I’m starving! I’ve been up for like 3 hours already and your apartment has no food in it.”

“Now it’s your turn. Life lessons, AJ.”

“Are you kidding me? There is no way that is going to work if I try it.”

“Of course it will, you just watched me do it, didn’t you? Just do that.”

“Seriously??”

And then her dad is dragging her into another, identical brunch place. The only differences AJ can see are that all the waiters and waitresses here have maroon ties instead of blue, and the hostess’s name is Christina and her hair is slightly less blond. Her dad nudges her in the direction of the hostess podium. “Are you actually going to make me do this?”

“Just try it!” Her dad wanders into the crowd, close enough that he can see everything that happens by the podium and far enough away that he won’t obviously be with her.

AJ sighs. She is not getting any food until she sucks it up and does this, so she’d best just get it over with.

This time when the hostess ignores her she clears her throat quietly until Christina looks up at her. Here goes absolutely nothing. She makes eye contact and smiles. Christina isn’t smiling back. “I need a table for two as soon as possible.”

“For two it will be about 45 minutes. Do you still want a table?”

AJ cannot believe she is about to do this, but she can feel her dad watching her from halfway across the room. She leans in a little bit, keeping the smile plastered on her face and hoping it looks like an actual genuine smile instead of a grimace. “Isn’t there something you can do for me? Come on.”

Christina pulls away from AJ and glares at her. “I just told you there’s a wait. Now the wait for two is two hours. Do you still want it?”

“Not really, no.” AJ turns and walks out, and it’s her dad’s turn to follow her after enough time has passed.

“Huh. That was weird, huh?”

“Not really, Dad. Can we get food for real now?”

“No, you can totally do this. Come on.”

“Daaaaaad.” AJ usually tries not to sound whiny but these are special circumstances.

The third swanky brunch place has slightly lighter blue ties — her Dad calls them “cerulean” when she points them out — and the hostess is named Clare. She’s a redhead.

“Look, there is a McDonald’s right there, and we’ll only have to wait like five minutes and then we’ll have food.”

Her dad looks horrified. “Come on, AJ, they don’t have mimosas at McDonald’s.” He jerks his head towards the hostess podium and casually wanders off into the crowd.

Her second try goes about the same as her first try, except she thinks she hears Clare mutter “what the hell??” at her back as she hurries towards the door.

Five minutes later, when they finally get seated, her dad pulls a flask out of his jacket pocket. “PSYCH! I brought my own mimosas. Want a sip?” She shakes her head.

“So, huh. I wonder why that didn’t work for you.”

AJ just stares at him and shoves her Egg McMuffin into her mouth.

* * *

When AJ turns 16, only a few people that she’s actually related to come to her “family” birthday party, but she gets some pretty good loot out of it. Her mother gives her amazing knee-high black leather boots, and Grandmother is appalled. Her dad gives her a very soft, plain black turtleneck, and everyone besides Grandmother is appalled — she’s not sure why. Grandmother and Grandpa Ron give her a string of pearls. She gives Grandpa Ron a hug and Grandmother a kiss on the cheek while rolling her eyes at her mother behind their backs.

Krieger gives her a stack of manga. Cyril gives her a gift certificate to the used book store they both like. Cheryl doesn’t make eye contact with her but hands her an obscenely large gift card to one of the ritzy stores where a lot of the girls in her class buy clothes. Most of the stuff there isn’t really to her taste, but she can find some use for it. Pam loudly tells the whole room “I gave AJ her present earlier!” and AJ is 100% sure that everyone, including her grandmother, knows that Pam gave her a vibrator for her birthday.

Ray hands her a plain white envelope. Inside she finds a release form from Blue Yonder Aviation, entitling her to the rental of a Cessna 172 for 60 hours, Student’s signature or legal guardian’s signature if under 18 (Student must be at least 16 years of age), Lana Kane, Certified Flight Instructor, Raymond Gillette.

Ray shows her how to file her first flight plan that day, and her lessons start the next Saturday.

Sometimes having, effectively, a horde of extra parents grates on her. Sometimes it’s pretty nice.

AJ loves flying. The freedom to move in three dimensions is exhilarating. Piloting takes all of her concentration and she can temporarily forget about school, that obnoxious thing Grandmother said to her the other day, and where all of her adults are and what the chances are that they’ll come back unharmed. Ray drills her relentlessly and almost entirely calmly. Since it’s something she really wants to learn, she puts in the time and the work on the ground without too much complaint. The adrenaline rush of flying is pleasant but at the same time the fact that no one is actively trying to hurt her is comforting. The 5000 feet between her and the ground feels like something that can be managed.

Normally AJ tries hard to keep her poker face steady and not openly show much affection, physical or otherwise, to the people in her life. But after she taxies off the runway after her first solo flight and carefully shuts down the plane the way she’s been taught, she throws the door open and runs laughing into Ray’s arms. He’s laughing too as he picks her up and swings her around. She’s reached her adult height and is not a small person, but Ray works hard to stay in shape and, she always forgets, has some extra assistance.

Ray and Cyril and even her dad stopped hugging her a lot when she got to be about 12, and it turns out she’s missed that.

She and Ray hop back in the plane and take it back up again to celebrate her success. By unspoken agreement, Ray doesn’t teach and AJ just soaks up the flying time. They’ve been flying for almost 10 minutes, just appreciating the view, before AJ finally speaks, staring straight ahead out of the windshield, concentrating on all the instrumentation in front of her. “Thanks for teaching me. I love this.”

“It’s pretty great, isn’t it.” Ray bumps his shoulder against hers in the cramped cockpit. “You’re doing really well.” There’s a lot of engine noise in the background but she can hear him clearly through her headset. “Now just remember to actually look outside sometimes, okay?” AJ guiltily jerks her eyes up from the instrument panel.

They fly on over suburban sprawl that never ends. They cross a river that stretches to the horizon in both directions, the sun glinting off the water. AJ’s relaxed and focused at the same time and she could stay up here forever.

A couple of years ago she’d actually gotten to help the adults with a job. She and Cyril had had to sit at an outdoor cafe on a street corner in Berlin for hours, watching for one person in their dossier to walk by on a busy street. It was hot and sticky and they drank endless cups of tea and tried to look casual. AJ’s mom was depending on them for their signal, so they couldn’t relax at all, and it was hard and boring at the same time. She had been all excited to help out, and then couldn’t wait for it to be over.

They’re out beyond the never-ending suburbs when AJ finally asks, “What if I don’t want to go into espionage? Like, when I’m an adult?”

She can feel Ray sit up straighter and turn his head to look at her but she studiously avoids his eyes by concentrating on not plummeting them to the ground. He’s quiet for a minute.

“If that’s not what you want to do, that’s not what you want to do.”

AJ spares a look over at him so she can glare at him for a few seconds before turning back to the instruments. “Thanks. You’re so helpful.”

“Well, it is what it is. You’re the one who’s living your life. So what you want matters an awful lot.”

Below them there are fields now, and low hills in the distance.

“Malory might be a passive-aggressive harpy at you for the rest of her life, but pissing off Malory is its own reward.”

AJ banks the plane to the left a little, to start the wide sweeping turn that will take them back to the hobby airport.

“Can harpies be passive-aggressive? I think they’re supposed to be aggressive-aggressive.” Out of the corner of her eye, she can see Ray smile.

They watch the scenery for a while.

“And did you ever think that maybe we’d all be happier if you picked a safer career? For fuck’s sake, I hardly have any of my own appendages anymore.”

A giant flock of geese passes under them.

“It doesn’t really matter what your parents want, or your grandparents, or the rest of us. You know that your mom’s parents wanted her to be a scientist, right? Can you imagine that? And I bet Cheryl’s parents were horrified when she took a job as a secretary. My parents were pissed when I said I wanted to go to college. My brother makes more sense to them. You know, the one who just got out of prison?”

There’s an actual small town passing under them now, with no tall buildings, surrounded by a spiderweb of houses that gradually get farther and farther away from each other.

“You know I was married before, right? To a woman?” AJ has heard this before and she’s always found it unbelievable. She shudders and shakes her head as if to clear it and Ray chuckles. “We were both trying to be what our families thought we should be, and that really didn’t work out well for either of us.” He looks away, out at the horizon on his side. “Last I heard she was a lot happier now too.” AJ looks over at him. He’s idly twisting his wedding ring around with his other hand.

“Do what makes you happy. It’s your life and you’re the one living it. If you’re interested in the family business, you could absolutely do that. But if it’s not what you want to do, find something you do want to do. If Malory gives you any shit you know that Cyril and Pam and your mother and I will smack her down. Hell, you’re getting pretty good at that yourself. We love you and what we want is to see you happy, okay?” He reaches over and squeezes her knee real quick. “I also want to see you engage the rudder a little bit more.”

When they’ve landed and put the plane away and they’re heading out of the hangar, she reaches up and gives him a hug. Ray gives a soft grunt of surprise and hugs her back. After a few seconds she pulls away and walks off towards the parking lot. AJ won’t make eye contact but they’re both faintly pink and they’re both smiling.

* * *

The bar is dark and very noisy and most of her adults are well on their way to totally shitfaced. Sometimes AJ enjoys interacting with them when they’re drunk and sometimes she doesn’t. Honestly, today she doesn’t really feel like dealing with Cyril getting maudlin, Pam getting kind of mean, Krieger getting weirder and Cheryl acting even crazier than normal. Unlike the rest of them, she doesn’t have the adrenaline going from returning from a successful mission. The adults are alive and safe and reveling in it. She’s been up since 7, and she’s just been at school all day. She’s happy and relieved that they’re all home and safe, but she kind of wants to go home and go to bed.

There is no way in hell she’s going to do that though because this time she’s been allowed to come out drinking with them. Even if all she’s drinking is Coke.

Her mom and dad are usually really affectionate after one or both of them have been in mortal danger. When someone brings it up with her, AJ always rolls her eyes but secretly she thinks it’s cute. Unless one of them almost got the other killed. Then they usually end up drunk and having sex anyway while being mad at each other. Pam and Ray are arguing about something, and Cyril is watching Krieger have a conversation with his newly-upgraded girlfriend. Recently you can only tell she’s not a real biological person if you try to have a really in-depth conversation with her, and Krieger’s working on that. So AJ ends up sitting with Cheryl while she scopes out all the other bar patrons.

For most of AJ’s life Cheryl has merely tolerated her presence. It’s only in the last couple of years that she’s been willing to interact sometimes. Come to think of it, that sounds like what her friend Emma said about her family’s cat. In any case, AJ is still a little wary around Cheryl — most of her adults would say that everyone should be a little wary around Cheryl — and so is looking for an excuse to insert herself into either of the other conversations.

“I’d totally do him.” Cheryl nods towards a well-muscled white guy on the other side of the room wearing a tight black t-shirt. AJ’s first thought is that that guy is closer to her age than to Cheryl’s. But she likes this new world order where Cheryl will talk to her, so she just takes another sip of her Coke. Cheryl can be disorienting and sometimes mean but she is never boring. And she definitely has a type.

AJ’s not sure what her type is yet. The guy Cheryl is staring at isn’t it. Some of the guys at school (and a couple of the girls) she can appreciate looking at but a lot of them she can’t stand talking to. So other than a couple of exploratory hookups with some of her friends, she has not gotten much action yet.

Once, in fourth grade, her mom had to have a talk with her about how it probably wasn’t a good idea to tell her friends when Pam and Cyril got really drunk — actually, that was a night after a successful mission a lot like tonight — and had sex in the elevator at the office. Julie and Annie were fascinated but her mom got at least one angry phone call. Despite the fact that her adults sleep with each other and lots of other people and she’s always been aware of it, AJ hasn’t yet been so inspired. Annie’s mom didn’t need to worry about her.

She’s sure that if Annie’s mom knew about the guy Annie was currently sleeping with, she’d be horrified. AJ’s not sure that he’s all that great for Annie. But they don’t really have the kind of relationship anymore where AJ could say anything about it.

As soon as Cheryl finishes her martini, Pam appears with another one. “There’s gonna be karaoke later, you gonna sing?”

Cheryl twists up her face in disgust. “Ew, no, why would I do that? Karaoke’s dumb and I can’t sing. If you want to embarrass yourself you get up there.”

“Uh huh. Well, enjoy your drink.” AJ narrows her eyes and looks questioningly at Pam. She’s never heard Cheryl sing before. And while Pam is not above manipulating someone into doing something embarrassing so she can make fun of them — it’s one of her favorite pastimes — she isn’t bringing everyone drinks.

Cheryl picks up her new drink and continues staring across the room at her mark.

“Look at him. I bet he likes it rough.” Cheryl sets off into a stream-of-consciousness monologue about just what she’d like tight-black-t-shirt guy to do to her. AJ sips her Coke and concentrates on keeping her expression bland. Her mom had to have a conversation with her when she was about 12 about how different people find different things sexually arousing and how she shouldn’t take the things Cheryl says as the gospel truth about what sex is like, or should be like. Like the adults around her, AJ has learned to be simultaneously fascinated, repulsed, and occasionally, a little aroused by what turns Cheryl on. She’s been hearing about it her whole life.

This time when Cheryl’s glass is empty, Cyril is the one to immediately bring her a new drink. AJ stares at him, too, but he just avoids her eyes.

She sits back and lets Cheryl’s absentminded torrent of words wash over her. Suddenly Cheryl sighs and nods towards the guy that’s her type and not AJ’s type. “I guess I’m getting too old to just go over there and do something crazy and make him take me home.” She sounds half wistful and half pissed off.

AJ turns to look at Cheryl and cocks her head. “Huh?”

Cheryl rips her eyes away from the guy she’s been ogling to look back at AJ. Her blue eyes are sharp and her voice is clear, and there is suddenly no sign of the 3 drinks she’s had so far tonight. “If you don’t have any other way to control what’s going on around you, acting crazy or ditzy and promiscuous will usually do it.” Then she looks back at the rest of their group. “Ew, gross, are your parents going to, like, do it right up against the bar?” Then she gasps. “Ooh…”

AJ goggles at her and then shakes her head to try to clear that whiplashed feeling Cheryl’s so good at causing. It looks like her parents are, in fact, about to do it right up against the bar, and unlike Cheryl, she doesn’t really want to see that so she pointedly averts her eyes.

When Ray brings Cheryl her next drink, AJ throws herself off of her barstool and follows him back to Pam and Cyril. “Why are you getting Cheryl drunk?” If she’s old enough to go out “drinking” with everyone, she’s old enough to know what’s going on.

Pam takes a long sip of her drink. “Honey, we’re all drunk.”

“Yeah, but you’re not feeding him drinks continuously.” She jerks her thumb in Cyril’s direction. “What are you doing?” Usually when AJ wants to intimidate someone she tries to channel Pam. It’s kind of a mindfuck trying to intimidate Pam, so she’ll also have to rely on the fact that Pam loves her and wants to be a good role model most of the time.

Pam breaks eye contact and shrugs. “Fine. So when your mom was pregnant with you, we were all… looking for our next big project. And Cheryl decided that she wanted to be a country music star.”

AJ feels like her eyebrows are about to crawl into her hairline, but when she looks at Cyril and Ray for confirmation, they nod.

Cyril jumps in. “And she actually did it! She had one hit album, it was really popular, and Cheryl got a little less crazy for a while.”

Pam snorts. “Well, a different kind of crazy.”

“And so… nobody ever bothered to tell me about this?”

Ray’s turn. “Well, that’s the thing. She claims she doesn’t remember it. And she gets really angry if anyone presses her about it. But I totally remember spending 3 months driving around in a bus with her bare midriff on it.”

AJ’s spent her whole life not really knowing how Cheryl is going to react to any given event, so this news is not actually that surprising. “And this has to do with you all getting her plastered how?”

Pam leans in conspiratorially. “Sometimes, if you get Cheryl really, really drunk, and there’s karaoke, and you put on the hit single from her album, she’ll get up and sing it. And she’ll kick ass and she won’t remember it the next day. It’s freakin’ hilarious.”

AJ considers all of them. Ray and Cyril are flushed and a little stumbly. Pam can drink them under the table but even she’s pretty relaxed. AJ’s stone-cold sober and Cheryl voluntarily had a conversation with her (well, maybe at her) for the first time ever, and maybe that’s why she feels like taking on the three of them together. Even though she really, really, really wants to see Cheryl get up on stage and rock out on a 20-year-old country song.

She looks over her shoulder at Cheryl, who’s still sitting by herself nursing her fourth drink, dividing her attention between the guy she wants to fuck and the couple she wants to watch fuck. “That’s really mean.” 

She glares at them until Pam responds. “Aw, come on, AJ, it’s just for fun. She won’t even remember.” But none of the three of them will look her in the eye.

“That’s terrible. If she doesn’t remember it, did you ever think that maybe there’s a reason why?”

“Yeah, ‘cause she’s totally sloshed…” Cyril mutters.

AJ scowls at him. “Or maybe that’s how she protects herself. And if she has to be that out of control to get there, then maybe that’s not a good place for her to be, and if you’re making her go there, then maybe that just makes all of you assholes.”

The bartender arrives with another martini and hands it to Pam.

“Is that for her?” Pam, Ray and Cyril all look guilty. AJ calls the bartender back. “No more, okay?” He looks at her, and then the others, and then back at her. When Pam doesn’t say anything he shrugs and turns to the next customer down the bar.

“Just because you don’t know why someone acts the way they do doesn’t mean that they don’t have a reason. Knock it off. Stop being assholes.” She glares at the three of them until they look down at the bar and Pam downs the drink she’s holding.

She waves the bartender back and orders another Coke and a tomato juice. She takes her drinks from the bartender and heads back to sit with Cheryl. Halfway there she turns back. “Oh, and I need to hear that album as soon as possible.” For once, the other adults are actually shutting the fuck up.

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Yuletide!
> 
> I had grand plans of incorporating more of your suggestions but then this happened. I really, really liked your prompt about showing some way that Lana being black makes her more awesome instead of just being a vehicle to show other characters being racist jerks. I absolutely want to read that, but as a white person I didn't feel qualified to write it. Originally I was going to offer to take some black and black/white biracial friends out to lunch and pick their brains on how to write something like that, and there was going to be a ninth section of this that was about what AJ has to learn from Lana's parents. But I ran out of time. So, I hope someone else fills that prompt for you sometime.
> 
> Finally, my awesome beta reader thought that the ending of this didn't really feel like an ending and I was at a loss as to how to fix that. So here's my interpretation of my husband's idea, as dictated to me while we were speeding down the Merritt Parkway in New York on the way to visit my parents for Christmas:
> 
> _  
> Well, this was unexpected._
> 
> _AJ’s copilot, Gibbons, looks like he’s about to shit himself, but he’s mostly holding it together and keeping them from plummeting into the jungle. Mostly. She’s really glad autopilot is a thing._
> 
> _AJ’s kneeling on the floor of the cockpit, one knee trying hard to crush Barry Dylan’s cybernetic windpipe. “How did you get on my plane, asshole?”_
> 
> _It’s at least a little gratifying that he can’t easily answer her._
> 
> _“You know, I thought I wasn’t that interested in the family business, but I’m really going to enjoy this. Goodbye, Barry.”_
> 
> _She can feel him trying to speak. “Goodbye, Other Barry,” he finally croaks._
> 
> _And then she smashes his cyborg face in with the cockpit fire extinguisher._
> 
> _She’ll be scattering the parts out of the cargo hold hatch all the way back home._


End file.
